Wednesday, September 26, 2007

And in comes the boogey man

I have been studying the Book of Daniel with Brandon and Michael. I should have remembered what happens when I return to every day Bible reading. All day yesterday, I fought against my head's miserable shaking... I was dizzy and couldn't focus my eyes. At first glance that was my body's usual signs of immense stress, or even a blood sugar drop. Or maybe it's visa-versa...

By the time I got home in the evening, I felt only somewhat better. The shaking was a bit more tolerable. After Brandon left for work in the evening, I sat down to do my reading.

I couldn't see...or rather, I couldn't focus very long on one word. So I pulled up the passages online...

Daniel 4-5. the writing on the wall. I started to write my thoughts on the subject, when a great fear came over me as my head started to shake very violently and I because sick to my stomach.

I threw up. Grabbing glass after glass of iced tea, did not help afterward. Normally after I vomit, I feel better as the brain releases seratonin. Not tonight.

My heart started to pound and I grew jumpy. I avoided looking into shadows and had to fight dark thoughts that crept into my mind.

This was a panic attack

I am deeply afraid of that which is spiritual. Ever since I was 10, the thought of God and of demons scared me speechless. This is why I struggle so hard in keeping up with my daily readings.
I had been e-mailing Brandon and he asked what I thought of the passage, and suddenly I only saw fear. My mind wandered to what if I saw a hand writing on the wall...I told him I didn't want to talk about and for him to call me.

It was 1:00. The boogeyman always chooses that hour to come I curled upon the floor with the babies, and played the radio station that Brandon worked at. I closed my eyes against the dark, willing my seemingly fast beating heart to slow down. It was beating like it should.
I think I finally fell asleep about 3:00 am...and dreamed of nothing..Thank God.

I woke up at about 5:45 and my head started shaking violently again.

I know this is partly blood sugar, and stress..but it was triggered by fear. I e-mailed Michael and Brandon and told them what was going on. They said they'd pray and after a time, the feelings lessened until they finally went away after lunch today.

I told them I was still going to read and post the verses. They sort of look to me to do so. Especially Brandon.

The boogeyman can only do so much before God tells him to go away. I will try and read through it.

1 comment:

Dawnthreader said...

You are having a reaction to stress,lack of sleep,food and then you open up to spirtual warfare. So here is the plan: eat whole food and no process food, put on some good Christian music that calms the soul and sleep more at night. I once didn't eat and sleep and got like that. I getting bossy now but you are getting over your head. Instead of thinking how thin you want to be think I must be health, my children need me healthy, my husband needs me healthy and my mom needs me to be healthy. Maybe that is what God wants you to do, to change your focus off of thinness and fading away to being strong, sane and healthy. Live to love,Live to Hope, Live to serve HIM. That can only be done if you are healthy. Yes I know you say I want to but lets be honest what is really going on. In my Bible Study we were talking about our need to control and some times women try to get control by dieting to ultra thinness because everything seems out of control which is where you are at this time. The move, the stress of unknown and fear of what will happen. You have been through a lot of changes thus no control. You have to begin to say I want to be healthy strong and trusting God to do awsome things for us. Like the priests carring the ark at the Jorden River you got to step in the water before it will part. Heart of my Heart come in the water and trust.