Tuesday, September 25, 2007

"People Never Crumble in a Day"

It began with a bad dream. I found myself running once again. One cannot run very far from their own mind.
So we numb ourselves to all thought

Then one day Truth decides to give you little nudge. As you stare at your complexion in the mirror, masks are cast aside and you are revealed. If you are one that holds on to Truth as I do, then you cannot walk away and forget.

I am tired of me

I am sure this is once more God bringing one more thing to surface that I need to change. Growing is never an easy process. I have tried so many times before, only this time feels a bit different. I can feel Him calling me closer, and I am responding...even though I still struggle.

Does this make me still evil? Or does He see that my desire to change is just a little weaker than that I have to give up?

I would long to ask Him that..and yet the answer terrifies me to death.

This I suppose all stems from my struggle with how I view Him. Is He that great and powerful Father that sits there ready to show His love by discipline? Or is He some God that loves no matter what, and He is really just waiting for me to change?

Do I need to change first to go before Him...or first go to Him to change?

I was confident when I spoke to Brandon and told Him that God wants Him to come just as he is...
Why is it that I have such a hard time believeing that myself?

Then again, I do believe or else I would not be pursing Him so...

Ack! My head hurts from thinking too much.

1 comment:

Dawnthreader said...

I,too, want to change. I get so tired of being me. Locked in myself and centered on myself I find I can not change. I get depress and the door seems more secure. I then found that when I am sharing Jesus, I am looking at others and see Him more. The door opens a little. Change starts with a new thought, then rises to a possiblity, and as HE waters it it grows. HE said we will be changed in a twinkling of an eye when we see HIM. Let us move away from the mirrors and look at him. Look for HIM in all we do and look at those who need HIM. That is my prayer. This sounds so good to me but then I realize it so like pat answer. Reality hits me and the desire stirs me up to frustration. I want it but then I will get hurt somehow and I do not want to hurt. Before a resurection there got to be a killing. Oh,