Saturday, December 29, 2007

Coming out of shadows..my year in relection

With all that goes on about us, it is eaiser for one to take refuge in small corners and protective coverings as to not be seen. I find myself as one of them. All my grown life, I have sought the darkness as a comforting blanket of inky blackness to shroud my frailness.

It has been said of me too many times that I am strong.

I am not strong...I only survive...barely

However, I have felt my heart-strings being tugged ever so gently by God. Back in Sept. when He first wooed me from out of my shadows, He placed the book of Daniel upon my heart. It was one coincidence after another...

2007 was a hard year. In January it became apparent to us that after the birth of our last child, we were no longer going to be able to survive on the income we were currently making. Feburary, my husband made a rash decision to look for work in St. Louis and move us there. In my heart, I knew it was a wrong decision, but it had been made without me...the plans were already set in motion. One tragedy after another struck and we never did make the move. Instead our family began to grow apart, our money dwindled away and our house and cars fell apart.

I prayed and prayed for an answer. I never expected to receive the answer I did...Move to Phoenix.
If you could see every poem I've ever posted, and all the stories I've written within the last 4 years, you still would not believe.

My journals and in fact this very one was labeled A woman in the desert...In the Desert I heard a Voice...My promise chapter was about the woman in the desert Is. 54
Every dream that I've had that God has spoken to me, was set in the desert.

To be quite frank..it was the last place I've ever wanted to live

Here I am. Looking back I can see what happened. We (my husband) and I would have never considered living here. Take away our jobs, our house, our church and suddenly the choice didn't look so bad. Now we both have great jobs, and great house and the kids are happy.

I wonder now, why exactly has God led us here? Seeing all these things coming about, seeing the book of Daniel coming about....why are we here?
All my experience in survival, do they now fulfill their purpose?

It is my desire to retreat back into the safety of my hidden world; to shut out the pictures that scroll before my eyes. Only it's the stirring within my heart that keeps me seearching Him. The feeling like I must draw closer to Him as He is drawing to me, is making all else become very small.

Now I face a battle. Does self fight with self...and which will win? For all that seems small now, is the very thing I held on to so dearly to keep my sanity.
Those who haven't been through anything would find the choice quite clear. I wish it were that easy, but it is not.

I hope no...I pray for that which is God's to overcome and win. He must increase, I must decrease. The problem is, I don't know how to go about it. May His grace last long enough to find me where I need to be.

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