Thursday, September 27, 2007


One of the best things about working in a hospital is that it keeps you humble. One cannot wipe bottoms all day and think they are better than someone else. The patient is embarrassed because they are exposed..I'm gentle because I can understand how it much feel to have some strange lady looking at my behind.

I have a Pet Peeve

It's not a bad one, but it does cause me great concern simply because I feel everyone deserves to be respected.

Lack of respect I can't stand it. I can't stand when my children are disrespectful, I can't stand if grown-ups are disrespectful towards waitresses...I can't stand when I find myself being disrespectful. of my biggest pet peeves??? (BTW this is number 199) the way nurses or nurses aides talk to patients.

Today was a challenging day..I will not lie. I felt like my favorite quote:

A walking laxative

Every room that I went into today, the patient either 1)had to go to the bathroom, 2)had gone to the bathroom in bed, or 3) gave me the gift that kept on giving...gagging

Now, diaper changing and *Code Brown clean-up are normally nursing duties. I being a therapist's with equipment and exercise and the physical torture of a patient fresh out of surgery.
However, it is not beneath me to offer a helping hand in the clean-up simply because I really, really like my work. If I were a therapist, I'd probably get fired for being "too helpful" and not meeting the productivity standards hospitals have.(bowel care is considered "non-productive" I have no idea why however, some of them produce massive amounts!)

I called in a PCS (patient care specialist? I don't know...we called them CNA's in Ca.)
to help me. Well in walked two of them. The woman was in a bad mood, and the black gentleman was new, and checking me out.
The things they said were so embarrassing. They bitched and moaned over having to wipe the if she wasn't there??!

I tried to maintain eye contact with her, letting her know that I was sorry, but she kept her head down most of the time.

Next room, dirty patient. She was a confused 95 year old. Okay, you know what???? this could be my grandmother...or yours. I WILL NOT allow her to lie in her own feces, just because it's too much trouble to roll a woman who can't hear, in bed.
So the therapist and I cleaned her.

I will be honest. It's not pleasant work, and I can understand the desire to run away from fumes and what-not. I couldn't eat lunch today. They were serving mounds of mashed potatoes and cheese covered crap. Everyone at my table eagerly dug in, while I stuck to crispy lettuce (salad)..anything that did not have the look of already being digested.

It breaks my heart, really. And it only gets worse with the degree. The RN's talk down to you because they think you don't know anything...the Drs. yell at the nurses in front of everyone, because they think they're Gods..

I say give everyone a washcloth and send them into "Humility's Room" and scrub ass for a minute. There is nothing proud about that work. Having your face that close, is the true definition of "Kissing some Ass"
But you know what? It's the ones who clean and feed, and fill the water pitchers with a smile on their face and a gentle word of encouragment on their lips that get the most respect from the patient. It is the therapist aide that is afraid of jarring a newly placed hip, that is kissed on the cheek for not hurting them.
It is the Dr, that works in an underprivilaged hospital for near to nothing, that is baked the apple pie.

This is what makes it all worth it to me. To hear how a patient asked

"Where is that darker skinned girl (remember, I'm out in the mid-west) She had such a beautiful smile and such gentle hands....Tell her hi for me okay?"

That's not hundreds of dollars...but let me tell you,
It goes a long way

It makes me feel like I'm worth something. It makes me feel like a christian

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Prayer of deep thanks (even if I do have to chuckle)

Thank you Father for not allowing me to be her!

10:16 AM ET
BARNAUL, Russia (Reuters) - A Siberian woman who gave birth to her 12th child -- doing more than her fair share to stem Russia's population decline -- was stunned to find that little Nadia weighed in at a massive 7.75 kg (17.1 lb).

Nadia was delivered by caesarean section in the local maternity hospital in the Altai region on September 17, joining eight sisters and three brothers, a local reporter said.
"We were all simply in shock," said Nadia's mother, Tatyana Barabanova, 43. "What did the father say? He couldn't say a thing -- he just stood there blinking."
"I ate everything, we don't have the money for special foods so I just ate potatoes, noodles and tomatoes," she told the reporter, adding that all her previous babies had weighed more than 5 kg.
The Guinness World Records lists a 10.2 kg baby boy born in Italy in 1955, and a 10.8 kg baby boy who was born in the United States in 1879 but died 11 hours later.
The average weight for most healthy newborn babies is around 3.2 kg (7.06 lb), according to World Health Organisation figures.

And in comes the boogey man

I have been studying the Book of Daniel with Brandon and Michael. I should have remembered what happens when I return to every day Bible reading. All day yesterday, I fought against my head's miserable shaking... I was dizzy and couldn't focus my eyes. At first glance that was my body's usual signs of immense stress, or even a blood sugar drop. Or maybe it's visa-versa...

By the time I got home in the evening, I felt only somewhat better. The shaking was a bit more tolerable. After Brandon left for work in the evening, I sat down to do my reading.

I couldn't see...or rather, I couldn't focus very long on one word. So I pulled up the passages online...

Daniel 4-5. the writing on the wall. I started to write my thoughts on the subject, when a great fear came over me as my head started to shake very violently and I because sick to my stomach.

I threw up. Grabbing glass after glass of iced tea, did not help afterward. Normally after I vomit, I feel better as the brain releases seratonin. Not tonight.

My heart started to pound and I grew jumpy. I avoided looking into shadows and had to fight dark thoughts that crept into my mind.

This was a panic attack

I am deeply afraid of that which is spiritual. Ever since I was 10, the thought of God and of demons scared me speechless. This is why I struggle so hard in keeping up with my daily readings.
I had been e-mailing Brandon and he asked what I thought of the passage, and suddenly I only saw fear. My mind wandered to what if I saw a hand writing on the wall...I told him I didn't want to talk about and for him to call me.

It was 1:00. The boogeyman always chooses that hour to come I curled upon the floor with the babies, and played the radio station that Brandon worked at. I closed my eyes against the dark, willing my seemingly fast beating heart to slow down. It was beating like it should.
I think I finally fell asleep about 3:00 am...and dreamed of nothing..Thank God.

I woke up at about 5:45 and my head started shaking violently again.

I know this is partly blood sugar, and stress..but it was triggered by fear. I e-mailed Michael and Brandon and told them what was going on. They said they'd pray and after a time, the feelings lessened until they finally went away after lunch today.

I told them I was still going to read and post the verses. They sort of look to me to do so. Especially Brandon.

The boogeyman can only do so much before God tells him to go away. I will try and read through it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

"People Never Crumble in a Day"

It began with a bad dream. I found myself running once again. One cannot run very far from their own mind.
So we numb ourselves to all thought

Then one day Truth decides to give you little nudge. As you stare at your complexion in the mirror, masks are cast aside and you are revealed. If you are one that holds on to Truth as I do, then you cannot walk away and forget.

I am tired of me

I am sure this is once more God bringing one more thing to surface that I need to change. Growing is never an easy process. I have tried so many times before, only this time feels a bit different. I can feel Him calling me closer, and I am responding...even though I still struggle.

Does this make me still evil? Or does He see that my desire to change is just a little weaker than that I have to give up?

I would long to ask Him that..and yet the answer terrifies me to death.

This I suppose all stems from my struggle with how I view Him. Is He that great and powerful Father that sits there ready to show His love by discipline? Or is He some God that loves no matter what, and He is really just waiting for me to change?

Do I need to change first to go before Him...or first go to Him to change?

I was confident when I spoke to Brandon and told Him that God wants Him to come just as he is...
Why is it that I have such a hard time believeing that myself?

Then again, I do believe or else I would not be pursing Him so...

Ack! My head hurts from thinking too much.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Into the Desert

I had this weird dream this morning. I dreamt that I was at my mom's and my husband was there. He was trying to read scripture to me. I tuned him out. Then my mom and step-dad opened their Bible and read something. I didn't want to listen but I listened anyway. It was a woman named Marta talking to God. He was telling her that she was going into a desert. I remember thinking that Marta's named symbolized Martyers.(might be spelled wrong) Then she asked, How long will I have to suffer?I tried to find that verse in the Bible, it wasn't there.

I had this dream 7 years ago. I believe that it did come to pass, as the next 7 years were hell for me. I turned away from God because His voice hurt so bad, that I couldn't stand it. I fell away, each day becoming more and more distraught of the position I was in.

You see only a couple of years prior, I was flying high on His love. Everything was good and I could overcome all. My marriage was crap, but He was going to fix that. I read every day, witnessed to strangers at every opportunity.

Here I was, working at a bank and people would call in for their balances..something would spark a conversation about God and I wou ld just happen to be reading a chapter in the Bible about that very thing. That happened 4 or 5 times a day.

When I saw that my faith meant nothing to my ex, I fell apart. I went in the opposite direction. You know the saying...If you can't beat might as well join them? Well that's what I did.
I begin to drink and party as he did. Only I felt terrible. Every day I looked into the mirror a little less. (to this day I can't stand the sight of me in a mirror)
Finally I moved out.

Well I was still a "good christian" and I let him come back home. Even after the cheating and drug use, I wanted to believe that he'd change. He didn't...and I tried to kill myself.
I remember lying there on the hospital bed..,just praying as hard as I could for Jesus to come and get me. He didn't, I heard nothing but the swishing sound of my feet under crisp hospital sheets.

Well, He saved me. And I grew more despondent. I went into a "coma" for next couple of years.

I didn't realize the next few would be even more painful.

My grandfather had gotten sick and had passed away in Sept 2003. It was harder than I even could imagine. I ended up moving into his house. My life while was better minute by minute because I was away from my became another kind of hell.

That was 4 years ago.

My journal will be mainly about what I am going through now.

I have since remarried and have had two more total is 4. I have been crying, wishing for some kind of spiritual connection with another for the last couple of years. I have moved and gone to 4 or more churches only to find them preaching about expanding and our Purpose in Life.

I have only warning lights in my head concerning them.

Right now I am seeking those who crave Him...we have tasted even if only once, the sweetness of His love and want more...we are not satisfied with the watered-down version of Truth. We want the meat...

I have met much opposition lately. I have been "chastised" for reading the Old Testament.

Honestly? I understand that Grace is all I need, I don't need to understand that. I am searching for something deeper. I am grounding myself in HIStory. I am so amazed at what He did back then...I believe He can do that again...and still does. I read about Daniel and the lions den.. I read about the Israelites and see how despite proof they often fell away...I NEED that right now.

I need to be able to raise my hand in triumph and say MY GOD IS AWESOME!
Not My God loved me ..Is that wrong? For the new believer I can understand why they'd need to hear that...I am not a new believer though.

I am wanting to see the awesomeness...the power of God. I know He loves...I know He saves...I want to see what He does after that.