Sunday, February 3, 2008

It's been a Year

What a crazy year it's been. I know that I haven't updated much. I've been so busy with work, child-rearing and being a wife, that well...life simply was too fast, too much, and too beautiful to put into words.

Last year we celebrated my daughter's 1st birthday, found out I was pregnant again and found ourselves suddenly up a creek without a paddle. Literally.

Our dream house ended up being a nightmare, one thing lead into another and every penny that I had inherited or that we had saved the year before was gone...we were now quickly going into debt.

My husband, oh my dearest husband, in hopes of turning the tide, went to St. Louis in search of a job. That was the last time he ever made a decision without first talking with me..as it cost us what little security we had. In return I learned how to love and pray and trust my husband...NO MATTER WHAT.

I felt a strong pull from God, and I began to respond...little by little, walls I had built around my heart began to crumble. Some I vainly tried to hold onto..for as each brick came toppling over, I felt like I was betraying myself.
I had to hold on to this pain, so I would never be in such a situation again.

As many hear in A.A....I let go and Let God. Funny, I used to roll my eyes at times, now I understand what that means.

It was hard when I was given my first practice test, the time my social security was stolen from me. I feel like I did what was right. I did not try and seek revenge, I only sought to protect my name. After all, it was my birthright....right? A new lesson I learned in the midst of that...

Without Him it doesn't matter. I don't matter. That was hard. As I saw that I would not received justice(at least that I could see) I had to apply the Let Go and Let God plan there.

I had a baby. It was an easy and yet painful labor. I felt every moment of Isaiah coming down. With each burning stretch my body overcame pain with love. All of those previous months of wishing that I was NOT pregnant vanished in an instant. This was my promise in flesh. (promise verse Isaiah 54)

Because he wasn't breathing on his own well, they kept us separated until after midnight that night. My heart fell and then died, only to rise and die again, everytime the long hand turned it's hourly corner. Suddenly I was the "new" mother asking herself

"Did I do something wrong?"
"Please forgive me, just help him be okay"

I mean I had always sympathized with other women when they would ask such questions...but now I knew, truly knew.

With the birth of our son, our money was gone...we lived on credit. Our redemption came from an unwanted source...the desert. Phoenix to be exact. The physical hell that I swore I'd never moved to.

Fights and fighting during the move. I told Brandon to go back home. He said No, but didn't really want to be there either. That lasted the first two weeks of our move. Then without warning...

Love came back.

Not that it was gone mind you, it was only hidden beneath our self pity and doubts. I can now see that our bond is even stronger, for our ship has sailed through horrendous waters. We have been tossed to and fro. Many stood and pointed, watching and calculating the date of our demise.

We still are

I look at him and smile...God, how I love his blue eyes. And yes, he still reaches over and pats my bottom. We laugh as the kids bury their heads in our circle of hugs...
Our fights with the older kids are passionate, just as our apologize are. I do yell loud...but I am quick to say I'm sorry....first.

My cupboards are filled, with more than just beans. Not to say beans are not delicious. I can make a mean mexican dinner. Or ham and beans...take your pick.

My bed is cramped with legs and arms...butts that press against my back and stomach. There is little room for movement let alone any thing else. Ask me how much I miss one of them when they are gone.

We all pray at dinner, Hannah holding hands and joining in.

God is real, and is felt, something that I hope and pray becomes stronger every day.

We are working and that's good. I bought the kids new clothes for the first time since Aug.
I just paid off three of our past bills and all I can say is
YES!!!!

I know I work 12 hours days, 4 days a week..and at times that's rough. He works the other 3 days, 12 hours a day, and it stinks.

bah..but who is complaining. Arizona is just fine. I am happy here. Of course I haven't felt it's summer.
Still what's the difference? I can stick my head in a hot water bath or an oven...

It's still bloody hot. Only my hair will know the difference.

Today at work a man and I "argued" why I would need the companies donation money more than he.
I won after saying I had 4 children...two babies and two teens.

"And the worse thing is...You'll survive!" he said laughing as he walked away...I laughed too, only to groan in the next second.

Yep we are surviving...quite well I might add.

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